February 2011
27 posts
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THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE / ONE
Here we go again.
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THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FOUR
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me…
I truly can’t believe I’ve kept up a blog for an entire year. My long-term projects always tend to die out somewhere around one hundred days, so this is a major accomplishment. True, some days weren’t incredibly exciting, no more than a few words, but documenting them here has still happened. It almost seems surreal that a...
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THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-THREE
Oh, Park School, why can’t you just give me more money? That’s the only thing holding me back at this point. Between the education, the people, the campus, and the surrounding area, I’m set; there is so little that I dislike. It’s the price tag that hurts. Being accepted as a TV-R major in December with a $15,000 scholarship on regular decision is hugely impressive. It...
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THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-TWO
Start spreadin’ the news: I am leaving today. I want to be a part of it, New York, New York!
We wandered so far in one day, or at least, it felt like it. Even Novio’s sister was impressed. We started at Penn Station, and throughout the day ended up at Grand Central, Times Square, Lincoln Center, Rockefeller Center, Bryant Park, the library, Union Park, Central Park, St....
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THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY-ONE
Happy birthday, Madre. I love you.
And Libya…I send my hope and raise as much awareness as I possibly can. Tomorrow, when I reach Strawberry Fields, I will be placing a flower for peace there.
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THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTY
“Dying” repeatedly in a “gunfight” in a dance studio leaves its mark. Namely, bruises and floorburn. Nevertheless, seeing my choreographer’s face light up when I brought out cupcakes and candles made my day.
The fam went out for dinner and our waitress, a close friend, surprised my mother and I with a “double birthday” treat. Of course it involved...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINE
Going shopping with my mom is such fun sometimes. She let me ramble about Novio, and I think it put some of her fears to rest. We’re responsible, as far as teenagers go, and she understands that. It made me smile how she said, “You’re making the right choice to break this off before you go to college…but I like the idea that you still plan to know him afterwards. Who...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-EIGHT
I did not go to rehearsal.
I did not babysit.
I did not do anything but come home and sleep.
Happy vacation, self. Feel better soon.
(Late)
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SEVEN
Jazz band makes me realize that youth is losing talent and any reason to give a damn about it. These kids seriously do not care in the least that our music is simple on a pathetic level, yet we SUCK. There’s no nicer way to put it. They refuse to practice and improve, and our director nagging them doesn’t do jack shit. It’s infuriating that we have to sound awful because half...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIX
Sick, sicker, sickest.
I’m at sicker, and Novio’s at sickest. I don’t enjoy having to scream at twelve year olds with a sore throat, and I despise moving sets when it hurts to do anything but sleep. I hate when people I love are so sick that they can barely stay awake, and being put down constantly helps nothing.
(Late)
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THREE HUNDRED AND (SH)FIFTY-FIVE
I’m so tired. I feel depressed, but with the lack of a gaping hole in my chest or the urge to hurt myself. Less severe than normal depression, just exhausted depression? I’m not sure. All I know is that I want to sleep forever right now, not go to a math meet and write three essays. An average day, an average girl, all average.
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-FOUR
I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day. I believe that every day should be a day to say “I love you” or “I love us” or whatever it is that you say, not just one overly-commercialized holiday. Nevertheless, Novio made my day shine. I caught him at the end of the day before rehearsal to ask if he’d be there and he told me, “Yeah, I just have to get my board...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-THREE
Dance. Sleep. Repeat.
(Late)
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-TWO
8:00 AM - Wake up 8:15 AM - Shower 8:30 AM - Dress 8:35 AM - Hair/makeup (ish…) 8:45 AM - Breakfast (Orange juice) 10:00 AM - Rehearsal 12:45 PM - Return home 1:00 PM - Leave to grocery shop 5:00 PM - Return home again 6:00 PM - Be with Novio 8:40 PM - Finally send Novio on his way 9:00 PM - Leave for Katie’s 12:50 AM - Return home once more
I am running on OJ, half a grilled cheese,...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY-ONE
All I’ve wanted to do since the beginning of this day has been to sleep more. I overslept by an hour this morning, crashed out during study hall, and took a quick nap on the couch at home for half an hour before my father came in. At least it’s Friday and I really don’t have that much of a life. (EDIT: I crashed out at about 7:30 PM…didn’t wake up ‘til 8:00...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FIFTY
I’ve just realized how close I am to eighteen.
Holy shit.
Biggest hit of the day, for sure.
(Late.)
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-NINE
Some days you just feel worthless, and that’s that. There’s nothing special about it, simply a dull ache in your chest and a question in your brain: what’s the point?
(Late.)
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-EIGHT
I heard a door open and shut, and sat up to look around as the hinges squeaked closed again. Nobody in my room. Shrugging, I returned to my cozy spot, nestled between his arm and chest, held tightly.
His mumbling surprised me. “I like you.”
“What was that?” I asked, vaguely amused.
The only response was a slight twitch and more deep breathing. When asked about it...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SEVEN
Mapped out my diet for the next three months and hoped that it’d end well (and knew that it’d only end in ruin, but went on with the plans regardless). Ran for a while, then wondered why I’d stopped afterwards (I can still move, so why did I stop? I shouldn’t stop until I legitimately cannot go another inch). Did some homework (and debated just how much it could possibly...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-SIX
Novio came over to watch the Superbowl with me (wewt Green Bay), and we generally had an awesome time. I out-ate him, which is insanely scary, but I promised that I would to make him happy. Sadly, I’m already planning tomorrow morning’s workout to start on undoing this. I was flipped over the back of a couch and the front of the couch and threatened with a fan to my face and it was...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FIVE
“You should be my guest.”
“Oh, I’ll put your service to the test!”
“No one douses lights like me!”
“I want adventure in the great wide somewhere…I want you more than words can tell!”
“You guys have gotta try this!”
“There’s nothing clearer in my life than what I wish and feel for you, and that’s a...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-FOUR
“I will miss Rebecca.”
I cannot explain to you how much those words mean. To see them printed on an official document as the sole teacher comment makes me feel as if I’ve truly made an impact and impressed one of the few people who matters in this town.
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-THREE
Cried until two in the morning in fear of losing one of my most beloved friends, my dog. Woke up at five for jazz band and withheld moments of uncontrollable sobbing on way too many occasions. Got yelled at beforehand for not doing an essay in APUSH. Was told I was a failure during rehearsal. “Forgot” to eat. Completely had no idea what was going on in math. Took the fall yet...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-TWO
Snow day! :D
Slept ‘til noon, made s’mores brownies with Mom, then Novio came over and we putzed around. I may end up with bronchitis from him, but it’s totally worth it. He broke my mirror though…uh oh. I also neglected to do an essay for APUSH, because the assignment was nothing I could understand, and the powerpoint of notes did not work. Thus, I am going in...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY-ONE
Yet another ridiculously long day. No delay, just tiredness and achy-ness for hours on end. Went to school in tears. Lots of snow meant going home with all afterschool activities cancelled. I took a nap from three to six, give or take. Found out how deep I went a few days ago (technically) and am slightly worried. No need to tell Novio about that. Still triggered as fuck…it just...
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THREE HUNDRED AND FORTY
Fucking long day at school. On and on and on and on it dragged.
Worked with the sixth graders on their play; I get to do some choreography for it, and I’m quite excited.
Watied. Got yelled at. Left the house in tears.
Went to Novio’s, supposedly for two hours to snowboard, but in reality it was half an hour of falling in the snow followed by two and a half hours of whatevering...
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-NINE
A day to myself after a night like last night is a terrible thing. I made it through cleanly. Barely. I wrapped myself in his fleece, focused my energy on everything else, and hoped and prayed.
(Late)
January 2011
29 posts
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-EIGHT
Five hours in an ER waiting room. Two hours of travel. Way too much panic. I wasn’t even the one going in and it pushed me to a new level of anxiety.
Went too deep on accident when I got home. Triggered as fuck by being in the hospital again, and there was only one thought on my mind. I didn’t mean to do it. I swear, I didn’t mean to. It was an accident.
(Late because...
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SEVEN
Still sick. Spent a lot of time sleeping and not knowing whether I was going to laugh or cry. Wanted to kill myself when I found out my stalker is going to be sitting next to me in the all-star band I made it into as number one…there goes all of that joy. I ache so badly in all of my joints, and my head is now spinning like crazy. Everything’s spinning, and I can’t remember...
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-SIX
Sick sick sick. I don’t know what this is, but it’s kicking my ass.
Novio called me at about 11:30 because he was worried. I was sobbing the entire time I talked to him, and he knew it. He left his phone on all night, though, just in case I needed him. I love him so much.
(Late because I spent most of the day asleep)
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FIVE
Woke up with a rash all over my arms, thighs, chest, stomach, sides, and back. Fantastic. Doctor didn’t know what to do other than tell me to pop Benadryl for the next few days and get back to her if things didn’t get better. Wasted a ton of time playing taxi for my brother and his girlfriend to and from exams. Minimal studying. Layered up a lot, went in for the APUSH midterm,...
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-FOUR
Best. Monday. Ever.
I’m first chair in the all-star band I auditioned for. As in, I beat out the guy who’s had that chair for the last four years, in every freaking band I’ve ever auditioned for. Even the “best” sax player in my school has never beaten him. But fuck yeah, I just did. Novio also came over and we studied for the US midterm tomorrow, but that just...
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-THREE
Spent some time with Mom today. Although she complains nonstop to me about things, I didn’t mind today; I think she just needs someone to listen to her problems once in a while. I got a Batman suit for $2 (because I’m a BAMF) and a pair of boots for $5 (again, BAMF-ness). There were also some compression shorts to put under my gear during track season, and a ginormous hoodie that I...
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-TWO
This would’ve been a song post, because it is so incredibly true when it comes to how I feel, but for some reason I can’t upload the song. Therefore, the lyrics are as follows:
Everytime I see your smile It makes my heart beat fast And though it’s much too soon to tell I’m hoping this will last ‘Cause I just always want to have you right here by my side The...
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY-ONE
Despite a two-hour delay this morning, I still spent the day dragging. Everything hurts so badly: my back, my ribs, my knees, my wrists, my hips, my shoulders, my throat, my head…erg. Novio was out for most of the day due to a doctor’s appointment, which made me sadder, and nobody’s ever satisfied with what I do. I’m not currently out getting drunk (which is probably...
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THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY
I’m exhausted and I feel worthless. I hate my appearance and my mindset and I just want to stop hurting, inside and out.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-NINE
What a day. Go go go go go nonstop. From school to stage managing, from stage managing to an audition, from the audition to the basketball game, from the basketball game to the math meet, and finally home from the math meet. 7:30 AM to 10:15 PM without going home. What a day.
(Late because I was so busy)
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-EIGHT
Unexpected snowdays are the bomb-diggity.
Well, except for the heart attack you get when you wake up at 9:48 and think you missed your alarm and overslept, meaning neither you nor your brother got to school. Everything works out when you find the million texts that say, “SNOW DAY!” though.
I built a blanket fort that takes up my entire room. It’s pretty sweet, and where...
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SEVEN
I went for a long walk up the hill behind my house today, through the woods and knee-deep snow. (Remember, kids, snowpants are your friends if you want to be able to feel your legs any time within an hour after you get home.) I just needed to escape. There’s so much negativity in this house lately, and it’s really wearing me down. Everything’s on edge: my brother and parents...
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-SIX
Black Swan was weird. But a few of the things in it really hit home hard. It kind of scares me.
I’m also terrified that I’m falling into exercise bulimia. It’s been grating in the back of my mind for a while now…it’s this awful compulsion to work off everything I’ve eaten and more every day, like I legitimately cannot stop myself from doing it. I run until...
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FIVE
Turns out I’m going to be a producer/choreographer/model/dancer in a fashion show in May. I’m currently working on picking music to go in the show. What’s more, I get to be one of the “central models,” because the girl who’s designing the outfits wants me to display one since I have the “exact gorgeous features that’re right with this, innocent and...
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-FOUR
TGIF.
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-THREE
Headaches and throat aches and hangovers and exhaustion and laughing too much and practically crying and being insanely fucked up. All without someone to hug. :(
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-TWO
Snowday! :D
I ran off 710 calories this morning on the treadmill since I had the time, and I still haven’t eaten it back. Feels damn good. I could’ve gone on forever, but I had to stop and get ready to go to Novio’s. We didn’t get to snowboard because the snow was too deep for my abilities, but we did have a mini snow fight. He also taught me how to play chess, and...
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY-ONE
Start your day with a hug from someone who means a lot to you. No matter what goes wrong from there, you’ll still feel loved, and that can help with so much.
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THREE HUNDRED AND TWENTY
Fuck Mondays. I was exhausted and braindead and made an ass of myself more times than I could count. At least I didn’t end up with any actual homework, passed my tests, and was asked to be a model/choreographer for a fashion show. Hells to the yes I’m pumped for that. I didn’t get to snowboard, though, and my computer decided to commit suicide for a while (and then brought...
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THREE HUNDRED AND NINETEEN
Today:
I read 3/4 of a book that was supposed to take an entire week to read
I painted my paddle for pickleball (woo being a senior)
I locked myself in a 5x15 cement room for over eight hours
Novio and I went on an ice cream date that ended in a movie at his house after cruising back roads with the radio blasting
I didn’t have to deal with screaming family at all
(Late because my...
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THREE HUNDRED AND EIGHTEEN
Sleeping late, going shopping, spending the night with my best friend while she’s home, watching ridiculous eighties movies (unf David Bowie), discussing weddings and cakes and dresses, having heart attacks and then shutting the alarm off in the morning, and gigantic pancakes. Works for me.
(Late because I wasn’t home)
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THREE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN
Novio is teaching me to snowboard!
After basically an eternity of begging and pleading and compromising, he’s finally agreed to give me lessons on his hill, with his gear, so that we can go boarding under the stars sometime. I’m not the greatest at it yet, but after an hour, I could successfully start, stop, and turn. He says I’m one of the best beginners he’s ever had...
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THREE HUNDRED AND SIXTEEN
Our jazz band sucks (yet again), my babysitting job is officially the easiest thing ever, and I’ve got $120 saved up for a potential trip to NYC in a month.
Solid.
(Late because I was busy)